I'm not quite sure how to begin
this entry. I apologize if this is extremely personal, but I’m not sure
how to tell this story without opening up my heart and pouring out what hides
inside. I have always found writing helps me better understand how I’m feeling.
I tend to have thoughts jumbled inside my mind without words to link them
together, writing has always created some cohesion and allows my mind to rest
from constantly analyzing each moment, phrase and feeling. Perhaps through
writing this entry, I will better understand how I am feeling about this whole
situation.
This could have been one of the
most stressful and scary 24 hours of my life, but I have felt powerful love and
enduring comfort that far surpasses the strength I alone could muster. I am
overwhelmed by the compassion bestowed on my family and me by individuals I scarcely
know. It is a strong reminder of the good that exists in everyone and the unity
we share as children of God.
Here it goes…
A few weeks after we arrived in
our flat, I found out I was pregnant. That would make me 12 weeks this last
Tuesday. We were so excited but were waiting to make it public when I made it
home and had my first ultrasound. However, those plans were altered... as they
frequently do. I started bleeding a few days ago, and it became severe last
night. After a frantic few hours of trying to get our Swiss phone to work,
contacting some friends from church and having them find people who could give
us a ride to the hospital and someone to watch Luke, trying to reach our
insurance company, all while I was trying to stay calm, avoid passing out and
avoid going into shock. We were finally able to get the help we needed. A
wonderful Argentine family from our church came to our flat, the wife
stayed here and listened for Luke while her husband drove us into Geneva (about
a 20 minute drive) to the hospital.
I hardly had the strength to make
it down the stairs. I laid down in the back seat and swayed to the turns the
car made. The whole time telling myself to breath and that everything would be
okay. I was fairly sure the pregnancy had been terminated, but didn’t know for
certain. That was the worst part… not knowing what was happening to my body…
and flashes of all the lost blood kept playing in my head.
I felt so calmed when we finally
stopped at the hospital. They immediately wheeled me in and began checking my
vitals. Mike was not able to accompany me and I knew that would worry him. I
felt comforted with my three nurses, but I realized with Mike not knowing what
was happening, especially for someone who has a medicine background, this would
drive him crazy. Mike later told me that when I went through the hospital doors
and left him behind in the waiting room he turned to the man that drove us and
said “We have been married for 5 years and other than when she had our son,
this is the first time she has been in the hospital.”
Over the course of the next few hours, everyone took really
good care of me. I learned I had in fact lost the baby and that most likely the
baby had stopped growing 3-4 weeks earlier and it was a delayed termination of
pregnancy. The doctor was able to
stop the excessive bleeding, I was able to stop shaking and Mike was finally
able to come to my side. However, I still couldn’t stand or even sit without
dizziness overcoming me. I had lost a significant amount of blood and required
multiple courses of IV fluids to deal with how dehydrated I had become. The
doctor recommended I stay the night. It was around 3:00am and Mike decided to
head home to be there when Luke woke up and we would both try and sleep in the
mean time.
I tried to sleep, but kept having strange dreams. I guess my
subconscious was processing what my conscience mind wasn’t quite ready to work
through. Needless to say, over the next few hours I didn’t sleep much.
As traumatic of an experience as this was, I was actually
managing very well emotionally. Strangely enough, I felt from the beginning
this pregnancy wasn’t going to have the desired outcome. With Luke, I always
had a connection. I knew I was having a boy even before I was certain I was
pregnant. I never felt that with this pregnancy. My thoughts and dreams kept
turning toward miscarriage. When the bleeding started I did carry a glimmer of
hope that all would be okay, but I wasn’t surprised when the truth was
revealed. I feel so grateful that I was emotionally prepared for this outcome.
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My petit dejeuner courtesy of the Swiss hospital |
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My dejeuner... it tasted even better than it looked I promise |
Thankfully, the facility was fantastic.
It was nicer than most American hospitals, aside from no private rooms... but
at that point I didn’t care. I was especially impressed with the food. I’m not
sure if I was extremely hungry by the next morning or what, but it was very
good. Perhaps seeing the menu in French created a correlation in my mind to
fancy French restaurants… who knows. Though, it was very strange to be worked
on by nurses who were not speaking English. Fortunately, enough of the staff
spoke English to me that I didn’t feel completely powerless, but it was enough
to remind me I was still far from home. It also made the experience even more…
out of the ordinary.
The next morning, Mike was driven to the hospital by the
same kind Argentine family; they even took Luke to their house to play while we
were at the hospital. Thankfully, Luke was enjoying their slide and happily
playing the afternoon away. That gave me such peace. After a few more tests I
was able to leave around noon. I was finally able to stand with only a little
dizziness. I was feeling so much better at this point.
Upon arriving home, I was so grateful for my little family.
My strong husband who handled the stress of the situation and my sweet little
boy who brings me such joy each time I look into his little face. I know this
is a terrible experience to go through, but I just feel grateful. I feel
grateful that it happened today rather than on Saturday on our train to Paris,
or worse on Monday on our flight home. That would have been so terrifying. I
feel so grateful that there are people here who don’t know us well, but are
willing to sacrifice a night of sleep to provide us service. I’m grateful for
the dear woman who watched my son and even cleaned my dishes and did my laundry
when we were gone. I’m grateful
for the sweet sister missionaries who arranged the rides and help for us then
brought us home made American style cookies today (You cannot even imagine how
grateful I was for those cookies! A taste of home!). I am grateful for the team
of 6 nurses that helped me over the course of those 12 hours. Nurses have such
difficult and messy jobs, and they make all the difference for a hospital
experience. I am especially grateful for the knowledge that things happen for a
reason, and when difficult trials occur, you can be provided the strength you
need to overcome the challenge and thrive.
I am of course disappointed and frustrated that those weeks
of feeling sick and the pregnancy limitations seem to have happened for
nothing. It is difficult to reconcile my emotions of telling myself I’m
pregnant for so many weeks now having to drastically shift. It exhausts me to
think of having to wait a few months to try the whole process over again. It is
a terrible thing to experience. But I can’t help but dwelling on how thankful I
am for the outpouring of love we received, that I am healthy, that my family is
healthy and that I can try again in a few months for baby number 2.
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My silver lining, the cheese isle is now opened up to me. Now the next dilemma is how to try all of them in 4 days |
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My fabulous not pregnancy approved dinner tonight! Cold deli meat and tomme cheese |
But I cannot forget the silver lining in all of this! I am
still here in France for a few more days … that means I can now try all the
cheeses and deli meats I was restricted to eat while pregnant. I’m sure it
sounds silly, but that was one of the experiences I was particularly sad to be
missing while here.
I know the next few weeks and possibly months will be
difficult and I know I have some grieving and processing to go through, but I
know everything will work out how it needs to. I know the Lord has provided me
the strength I need to overcome this terrible trial, and I believe that this experience
will allow me to better relate to others who have similar experiences and help them
through this process.
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This whole experience has helped me feel so much more grateful for my little family. I have such a blessed life. |